Doing the Right Thing

We all want to do "the right thing" but that's hard to do. What is the right thing to do? Clearly different people have different ideas of what is "the right thing to do." And each of us is likely to change our opinion of what that "right thing" is based on the context in which we're deciding.

Let's look at a concrete, but hypothetical example, loosely based on a stranger's post on social media. First, imagine that your child declares themselves as "nonbinary." What would be your first reaction? Would that be the right thing to do?

This is a very hard example for most people. I imagine, but don't know, that my first reaction would be that of sadness, that their life is going to be so much harder than I had imagined. That's what I'd like to think that my reaction would be, but there's no way of telling. We humans tend to react first, and then rationalize a story to support that reaction.

I suspect that you might have a different reaction. I don't base that suspicion on you, personally, but on my perception of the acceptance of gender fluidity in the general population. It seems to be a hard sticking point for most people.

Presume, though, that you accepted this turn of events. Then your neighbors, the parents of your child's best friends, learn of this and forbid their children to come over to play any more. What's the right thing to do now?

Maybe it's time to step back and consider what makes a response "right." Is it "right" because it illustrates your own values? Is it right because your friends would approve of it? Is it right because it gives you the results you want? And if the latter, what results do you want?

Do you want to communicate your point of view? Do you want to understand their point of view? Do you want to come to mutual agreement? Do you want them to relent and let their children play with your child? Do you want to influence their children? Do you want gender prejudice to not exist?

There are so many possible results to want, many of which may be beyond your ability to make happen. Some of them could be possible, but might take a really long time and take much patience and skill to bring about. Some of them may be truly impossible. Figuring out what you want is a good first step toward choosing the "right" response, otherwise you may be tempted by your amygdala to lash out in a way that doesn't support any of your desired outcomes.

You may be unhappy with this example, or the way that I've presented it. I apologize if I've upset you. I intentionally chose a difficult example for this exploration, as I thought it would better illustrate some of the issues involved. I'm not trying to convince you that my point of view is the "correct" one, just to illustrate how I think about choice in complex and emotion-laden situations. If I haven't scared you off, I'd like to hear about how you imagine you would respond. How do you determine what is the "right" thing to do, and how sure are you of that? And if this example is too emotionally charged, please substitute an example of your liking.

P.S. Please help me out.

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