Be Not Afraid of Yourself

Your memories live inside of you. No matter how much you think you've forgotten, old long-forgotten memories can pop into your consciousness at unexpected times. Sometimes these are triggered by external events--a smell, a tune, a situation that seems familiar.

Years back I spent a couple weeks consulting in China at a software development office of a multi-national company. On the weekend in the middle of that engagement, I was wandering around the city at loose ends, unable to speak with most people or to read most signs. It's a curious feeling.

One shop I wandered into was a tea shop. Several shop clerks rushed over, as I was apparently the only customer there. When I spoke in English, they summoned the one shop clerk who knew English. She asked if I would like a cup of tea. "Yes, thank you." She spoke with another clerk who quickly brought a small cup of tea. As I lifted the cup to my lips, I caught the aroma of jasmine flowers.

Suddenly I remembered the jasmine vine that grew up a neighbor's pine tree when I was a child. You couldn't spot the flowers when it was in bloom, but as the blooms faded they rained down on the yard, making a bright yellow circle around the tree.

I hadn't thought of that jasmine vine in decades, but suddenly I was standing there talking with the widow who lived alone in that house, and smelling the sweetness of the jasmine flowers. What a pleasant memory it was! Of course I bought a bag of the jasmine green tea that they had brewed for me.

Some memories are less pleasant, and may be traumatic. I've been told that the definition of a traumatic memory is one where remembering a traumatic past causes damage in the present. If this happens to you, please find a competent therapist to help you get beyond it.

Other unpleasant memories will still live within you forever, but you don't have to let them damage you. You don't have to like what happened in the past, but you can't change it, either. It is what it was, but you can use it as a guide to future choices and actions.

Years back, someone I dearly loved was struggling with their life in financial and emotional terms, and trying to fix things with gambling and drinking. Sometimes he would call, collect, in the middle of the night. It's hard to help, though, when you're 400 miles away. Calling local services and making appointments doesn't help without follow-through.

One night when he called, I didn't take the call. I was up late writing a proposal for a prospective client, and I wanted to finish that. I thought that I could call him in the morning. By morning, it was too late.

I don't think that taking that call would have changed the outcome, but I will always regret not taking it and trying. I had something I wanted to say, but I was in the middle of doing something else at the time. I didn't know that it would be my last chance to say it.

I didn't respond when he needed me, and let him down. In doing so, I let myself down, too. I will always live with that. There is always a last opportunity for some action, and we usually can't know that at the time. I know that I made what seemed like a reasonable decision in the moment. I don't blame myself for the outcome, as much as that outcome still pains me, but I do think a bit deeper about moment to moment priorities.

Perhaps if I have to make such a subtle but momentous choice again in the future, I will have learned enough to make a choice with a better outcome. I have a painful memory to help guide me. I can live with that. I must. Memories don't disappear on command. They become part of who we are.

And so, I carry on, carrying happy memories, unhappy memories, and may other flavors of memories as I continue to try to live the best life I can, learning and improving as I go. I hope that you do, also.

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